stardustshine: (t w i l i g h t | sexuality?)
A. Cecilia ([personal profile] stardustshine) wrote2008-05-11 05:42 pm

(no subject)

Uh...I'm back?

ANs: Please only comment on this post. It's really confusing-and frankly, quite difficult-to check three or four different posts every time YM e-mails me an alert, especially at work. I appreciate all the comments, and would love to just be able to read them all on one post. Thanks!

Also, I apologize for the lack of funny. [ profile] capslock_twirp is sucking me dry and RL’s kind of kicking my ass at the moment-brother’s in the hospital with typhoid fever. (Flist, I know I said it was dengue. Turns out the diagnosis was wrong. Damn doctors.) Oh, and bbs, go watch Jeux D’Enfants. It’s amazing.

WARNING: There is a character death in this chapter. To be honest, I have nothing against this character. Their name was just the first to pop into my head while writing that scene. It’s nothing personal, I promise. Besides, this is crack. They may just come back from the dead.

Chapter 1

chapter 2

The rest of my first week in Forks was pretty uneventful. Chastity had finally introduced me to his on-and-off boyfriend, Billy Black; the three of us had spent an awkward Wednesday evening together. I had volunteered to cook, but Chastity pushed me out of the kitchen, insisting that she could handle it. I holed up near the stairs, worried that a hair extension would catch fire or a nail would break and I’d have to take over. My dad had never been adept in the kitchen, despite his feminine tendencies.

Slowly driven crazy by his incessant singing of show tunes, however, I had to retreat to my room after only 45 minutes. I spent most of the hour before dinner pacing, with “Friends” on in the background. I only ever really paid attention when Rachel and Joey were on the screen. Their unresolved sexual tension was palpable and quite honestly, the only thing that would have distracted me from the disaster I was sure was happening in our kitchen.

I hadn’t known what to think when I walked into the biology lab the day after my first encounter with Edward Cullen and found that the seat next to me was empty. I had been looking forward to speaking with Edward, even going so far as to wear my skimpiest outfit. The Hello Kitty top was a little big, but then again, it did belong to Chastity. I had hoped Edward would appreciate my obvious attempt to catch his attention; after all, we both loved Disney characters.

Now, a few days later, I’d given up all hope of speaking to Edward. As I walked into the cafeteria, still wincing from English class-“Chagrin is not spelled with two ‘I’s, Miss Swan”-a casual glance across the room stopped me in my tracks.

He was back. I eagerly drank up his appearance, the pink and yellow Sleeping Beauty t-shirt only enhancing his buff physique. Even after someone nudged me-Angela, looking as plain as always-and I began walking towards my usual table, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him.

I sat down, still staring as Alice and Jasper joined the rest of their family with the same exact lunch they always bought and later threw away, uneaten. I wasn’t paying attention to the various conversations going on around me, too busy admiring how the lights made Edward’s hair sparkle like marble, but I started when I heard his name.

“-Can you believe Cullen’s back? I thought he got arrested or something for speeding.” Mike, a tall boy who reminded me of a golden retriever every time I saw him, was talking loudly, his eyes occasionally flicking towards the siblings. I could have sworn I saw a hint of longing when his eyes passed over Edward’s manly form, but I shook off the notion as soon as it hit me. I wouldn’t have blamed Mike if it were true, though.

“Hey, maybe Bella knows something!” Turning back to the rest of my classmates, I found all eyes were trained on me, a smug smile on Mike’s face.

“Yeah, Bella, did your dad arrest him or something? Is that why he’s been gone the last couple of days?”

Petrified by the sudden attention, I clamped my mouth shut and shook my head frantically. I’d never liked it when people focused on me and I could already feel my body’s involuntary reaction starting. I hoped no one noticed the growing puddle of yellow liquid under my chair.

Mike looked disappointed, but didn’t back away from the topic, now discussing alien abductions with Tyler Crowley.

The bell rang then, and I slowly stood up, hoping that the noise would mask the dripping sounds coming from my pants. My legs closed tightly together, I shuffled off to biology.

When I entered the room, Edward was already seated, his topaz eyes staring straight at me. I fought the urge not to run away and haltingly walked toward my seat. I could still feel his eyes on me, though my own were focused on the blackboard, where Mr. Banner was outlining today’s experiment on human reproduction.

“Good afternoon.” Edward’s musical voice called my attention away from Mr. Banner and I cursed inwardly. I’d never had much experience acting indifferent toward boys and I didn’t want him to think that I answered to his every beck and call, no matter how true that was.

“Hello.” I nodded in his general direction, trying not to be dazzled by the specks of pink sparkles I could see in his eyes. Was he trying to prove that I was a slave, hanging on his every word?

Mr. Banner began passing out cards, and I turned away to focus on the experiment. I read the card slowly, my mouth dropping open at the questions typed neatly on the index card.

A Study on the Sex Habits of Forks American Teenagers

1. Are you open to sexual relations? Y/N
a. If yes, with who:
i. Fellow students?: Y/N
ii. Parental figures?: Y/N
iii. Teachers?: Y/N
iv. Other: Y/N
2. Have you had sexual relations?
3. How many times a week do you have sexual relations?
4. Have you ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease?
5. What STDs have you contracted, if any?
6. What are your favorite positions?

Boggled by the questions, I barely heard Mr. Banner explaining them, a strange gleam in his eyes.

“This is part of a study being done by the biology department on the sexual habits of teenagers. You may remain anonymous, if you wish. After placing your card in that locked box,” he pointed toward his desk, “you may leave.”
Sighing, I proceeded to fill out the card, thinking carefully about how I would phrase my answers. Anonymous though it was, no one really needed to know about Phil’s obsession with girls decked out in black and red makeup, or the somewhat-enjoyable sex-ed program at Sunnydaze. I certainly hadn’t learned everything from the hour-long sex talk my mother had given me.

I finished quickly, but most of my classmates were worriedly whispering about their answers. Ducking my head, I peeked through the curtain of my hair at my partner. My eyes widened. I couldn’t see what he had written, but I could see that both sides of his card were filled with elegant writing,, and he was continuing on a sheet of looseleaf. I swallowed the nervous lump in my throat and stood, the sounds drowned out by the chatter still going on around me.

I dropped the card in the box and swiftly walked out, ignoring the interested look Mr. Banner had shot me as I did so.

“That was interesting.” I walked straight into a locker, the impact making my head spin. I winced, partly because of the pain and partly because now he had witnessed my klutziness twice.

“Ooh. That looked like it hurt. Is there blood? I mean, are you okay?” His eyes were in front of me and it almost made me forget his first question.

“Yes, I’m okay and no, I’m not bleeding.” I raised my eyebrows. “Why do you want to know?”

He stiffened, shoving his fisted hands in his pockets. “I didn’t. Come on.”

“Where are we going?” Despite my question, I followed him out to the parking lot.

“I’m taking you home. Don’t tell me you plan to play volleyball with a possible concussion.” He looked at me with those eyes again and I resisted the urge to tilt my neck to the side. Something told me that wouldn’t be a very good course of action.

He opened the passenger door of the Volvo and I stepped in gingerly, careful not to bump my head on the roof. Before I had even managed to find the seatbelt-the interiors of cars other than trucks and cruisers confounded me-, Edward was inside, revving up the engine. I saw Jessica and Angela a few parking spots away, walking to their next class. We made eye contact. Angela smiled and waved, while Jessica just looked confounded. She was holding a rainbow umbrella over their heads and it was slowly slipping from her hands. I hadn’t realized that the reason I could see every detail of her shell-shocked face was that we were getting nearer to them; the parking lot exit was right next to them.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Edward asked again.

“Yeah. I’m fine!” My head was only slightly throbbing now. Angela, having realized that Jessica wasn’t about to move, had walked away. Jess still stood there, her bag on the ground beside her.

“So how about a date then?”

I opened my mouth, not yet sure what I was going to say, but he interrupted me.

“Oh for the love of bacon and duct tape-”

Before I could respond, he’d accelerated the Volvo, made a sharp right turn, and my head snapped back as Jessica and the car made violent contact. My eyes widened in shock and I immediately turned to Edward. He was leaning his head on his hand, elbow propped up against the window, a serene expression on his face as he surveyed Jessica, who was now bleeding profusely. The rainbow umbrella was crushed against her body.

“That’s better. It’s not even fucking raining.”

…Don’t kill me? *dashes off for the next boat to Antarctica”

(Anonymous) 2008-05-11 11:24 am (UTC)(link)
Hmm... not meaning to sound presumptuous but you do realise that fanfics don't have to be erotic, and that they're better when they're not right? Just checking.

[identity profile] 2008-05-11 11:29 am (UTC)(link)
Whoever you are, this is a crack!fic. It's supposed to be crazy and erotic and whatever. I'm poking fun at the Twilight series, not trying to write a serious fic. If you'd bothered to read my ANs, you would know that.

Oh, and I don't appreciate anonymous comments. If you're going to comment about my work, you could at least have the decency to tell me who you are, so I can properly address your concerns.
(deleted comment)

[identity profile] 2008-05-11 12:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you!

[identity profile] 2008-05-11 12:50 pm (UTC)(link)
'I hoped no one noticed the growing puddle of yellow liquid under my chair.'
That was so funny. You have no idea.
Kudos to you.
Brilliant ending also.

[identity profile] 2008-05-11 12:54 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks bb!

[identity profile] 2008-05-11 01:48 pm (UTC)(link)
humour fics are my favourite kind.

[identity profile] 2008-05-11 01:51 pm (UTC)(link)

[identity profile] 2008-05-11 02:59 pm (UTC)(link)
So much better than the actual book.

And, thank you for killing off Jessica, I definitely enjoyed that, I mean seriously, it's not even fucking raining.

[identity profile] 2008-05-11 11:20 pm (UTC)(link)
yessss an update!

lolololol i loved your bacon, duct tape, "not fucking raining" references!!!!!!

more please :)
ext_41181: (Default)

[identity profile] 2008-05-16 09:42 pm (UTC)(link)
I loled so hard at the 'Is there blood? I mean, are you Ok?' bit! Classic. And that anonymous person is a lunatic :)